1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of     boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost     instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting     someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply     using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a     while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from     rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will     be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will     forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life     really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't     move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct     tape.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know       when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.